The person you married may seem like a distant memory to the person who now shares your home. You may now feel that the time has come to divorce.
If your soon-to-be ex-spouse has a narcissistic personality, you may have faced mistreatment throughout your marriage without immediately recognizing it. Individuals with these personalities can easily manipulate and make others feel worthless without obvious displays of violent or frightening behavior.
What is a Narcissist?
A narcissistic personality may not be instantly recognizable as a problem. Often, individuals with narcissistic behaviors come across as confident, charismatic, and charming. Sadly, many people find themselves drawn into a relationship and marriage with a narcissist only to find that their spouse remains charming to others while taking their frustrations from keeping up that charismatic public persona out on their spouse.
Mental health professionals describe Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as a personality disorder in which a person has little empathy or regard for others while they also have a deeply rooted belief in their own superiority. Narcissists require validation of their self-worth from others while also feeling a sense of entitlement and a desire to control those close to them. During a marriage, a narcissist may do the following:
- Belittle their spouse either blatantly or subtly
- Engage in grandiose behaviors showing they believe others should admire them at all times and their spouse should defer to their superior wisdom
- Run “hot or cold” or fluctuate back and forth between effusively declaring their love for their spouse or belittling and controlling them through verbal and emotional abuse
- Manipulate their spouse and other family members by creating problems between the spouse and their family and friends to isolate the spouse from outside support and create a greater dependence on themselves
Marriage to a narcissist isn’t easy, and divorcing a narcissist is almost always a traumatic, emotionally fraught experience.
Warning Signs of Narcissism
If you’ve been married to a narcissist you may have missed the early warning signs. This is easy to do because narcissism may appear as self-confidence and supreme competence—an attractive combination. However, there are warning signs of narcissistic personality disorder. The narcist may do some or all of the following:
- Monopolizes conversation and doesn’t appear to be truly listening when the other person talks
- Expects preferential treatment
- Talks loudly and “performs” in public situations as though putting on a show for those nearby
- Appears incentive to the needs of others and may shame others for having needs
- Expects admiration
- Talks continually about their accomplishments and the compliments and accolades they’ve received from others
- Dominates decision-making at all events, meetings, outings, and daily endeavors
- Feels entitled to job positions
- Has a grandiose sense of achievement and self-worth
- Hides any failures and blames them entirely on others
- Becomes enthusiastic about projects and then blames others if they fail or aren’t accomplished
Remember, narcissists are extremely adept at manipulating others, so they may hide this side of themselves while dating you if they think it will benefit them. Sometimes watching how the individual acts with family members and long-time friends rather than when they are alone with you can reveal their narcissistic tendencies before you commit yourself. However, if you miss these warning signs until after marriage, it isn’t too late to remove yourself from the situation to save yourself from permanent emotional harm.
Prepare for Drama
Because narcissists love attention and want everyone on their sides, the possibility exists that your spouse may attempt to cause considerable drama by playing the victim. He or she may try to sway friends into believing that you caused the problems in the relationship, and in some cases, this tactic may work. Though you may feel hurt and angry that your friends may choose to believe such untruths, you may want to remember that your spouse has likely put up these acts for years and may seem believable.
Even if you would like to jump in to defend yourself, avoiding such action may prove wise. Your insistent defense may only fuel the fire and allow your spouse to gain more of the attention he or she craves. Therefore, you could find it beneficial to remain focused on the legal proceedings ahead.
Know What You Deserve
Over the years, the manipulation, emotional abuse and other mistreatment your spouse put you through may have diminished your feelings of self-worth. However, you should not let these feelings control your future decisions, especially when making choices during the divorce proceedings. Though your soon-to-be ex may have made it seem like you deserve nothing, remember that you have options for fighting for the settlement outcomes you desire.
Take Action
It can understandably seem daunting to go against a person who has won over friends, made you feel small and seems as if he or she can get anything he or she wants. Luckily, you do not have to face this type of situation alone. Divorce can prove complex and distressing, and gaining the assistance of a Denver divorce attorney could help you understand your options.
How to Protect Yourself While Divorcing a Narcissist
No divorce is easy, but divorcing a spouse with narcissistic personality disorder can be extremely painful. After years of marriage to a narcissist, you may have an eroded self-confidence which makes it challenging to separate from the spouse who bullies you. Once you’ve made the decision, the following tips can help you through the difficult process ahead:
- Organize ahead of time: before you tell your spouse or file the petition, it’s important to organize by starting your own checking account, arranging alternative living arrangements for you or your spouse, gathering financial documents, and arranging emotional support from a trusted family member or friend. Develop a safety plan if your spouse is abusive.
- Hire an attorney with experience in narcissists during the divorce process
- Safeguard any valuables or important paperwork
- Resist the urge to badmouth your narcissistic spouse to family and friends. If someone repeats your words to your spouse, he/she may use them against you
- Keep copies of any threatening emails, texts, or voice messages
- Be aware that narcissists often enjoy a divorce trial because they seek the spotlight and drama of a trial. By seeking an attorney and being the petitioner in the process, you may be able to form a fair settlement agreement and avoid a trial. However, this doesn’t mean you should give your spouse everything they want
- Anticipate an increase in emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviors
- Minimize contact with your spouse and have an Denver family law attorney present for all meetings
- Develop a parenting plan that prioritizes the children’s needs and wellbeing
- Change your passwords on all banking, social media, email, and streaming service accounts
Finally, stay focused on your reasons for divorce, even if this means writing a list and referring back to it any time you have doubts. Narcissists are excellent manipulators and may make you doubt yourself and your decision. However, despite extravagant promises, narcissists rarely change their behaviors for long.
Moving Forward After Divorcing a Narcissist
As difficult as divorcing a narcissist may be, in the first months after divorce, you may initially feel elated about freeing yourself from an unhealthy situation. As time passes, you may notice lingering effects from the experience of marriage and divorce with a narcissist. During the marriage, everything was about the other person, and your needs were always shelved in favor of prioritizing their needs.
After divorcing a narcissist, many people flounder for a time as they relearn what it’s like to be their own person and rediscover who they are outside of the relationship. Be wary of falling into one of two potential missteps:
- Quickly moving into another serious relationship because you don’t feel like a complete person or have become accustomed to centering your life around someone else’s needs
- Avoiding the possibility of a new relationship completely due to your past trauma
Many people who’ve left a narcissistic relationship behind take one of the above pathways after a divorce when the best way forward is a balance between the two reactions. While you certainly shouldn’t jump right into a new co-dependent relationship because it feels familiar to you and you don’t know who you are without it, you also shouldn’t let your fear of another unhealthy relationship stop you from being open to a real, loving, supportive relationship one day should the right person appear.
Seek Therapy and Join a Support Group
Before entering a new relationship, you have to come to terms with your past relationship and the emotional scars you might have after the experience. A qualified therapist with experience in helping survivors of unhealthy relationships with a narcist can give you the skills to cope with the trauma and encourage your inner strength and confidence to guide you forward into your new life.
Support groups for survivors of co-dependent and narcissistic relationships are also particularly helpful for those moving forward after divorcing a narcissist. You’ll feel understood and supported as you share your story and listen to others with similar experiences. It always helps to know that you are not alone. Many others have fallen into a similar trap with a charismatic narcissist.