Most couples walking down the aisle have the best intentions and hopes of a long, happy future together. Unfortunately, long after the wedding cake and flowers are just fading photographs, real life takes spouses on different paths. In the worst-case scenario, an angry spouse may shout out that they want a divorce during a fight or through unhappy tears, but for many individuals who’ve reached the conclusion that divorce is inevitable, determining the best way to approach the subject of divorce with a spouse is an important first step toward beginning a new life journey.
The way one spouse asks the other for a divorce can have a tremendous impact on the way the divorce process unfolds—either amicably and resolution-based, or resentful and contentious.
According to psychologists, divorces that begin badly may cause long-term dissension and unhappiness. One spouse may hold onto anger because letting go of that negative emotion means also letting go of the hope that one day the other spouse will feel remorseful, understand their perspective, and regret their loss.
If you’re planning on asking your spouse for divorce it helps to review some tips for taking on this painful challenge in ways that minimize the potential for bitterness, anger, and contention. Contact our Denver divorce attorneys for a free case review during this difficult time.
Can We Get Our Divorce In Our State?
Before asking for a divorce in any state, it helps to have a plan in place for how to proceed with the legal terms of the divorce after managing the emotional aspects of asking the question. First, ensure that your marriage qualifies for a divorce in your state. A court must establish jurisdiction before it will take on your divorce. This usually means at least one spouse must have been a resident in the state for a specified period of time. It also means filing on the grounds that are allowable in your state. For instance, qualifying for a Colorado divorce requires the following:
- At least one spouse must have lived in Colorado for 91 days or more
- For spouses with minor children, their children must have resided in Colorado for at least 182 days or from birth
- You must be prepared to file a divorce petition on the only allowable legal grounds in Colorado—that the marriage is “irretrievably broken”
Every state has its residency requirements and acceptable legal grounds for divorce. Before you ask your spouse for a divorce, be sure you qualify for a divorce in your current state. A divorce lawyer can help you with your state’s requirements so you’re fully prepared before addressing the question with your spouse.
Get Your Financial Documents Together and Take Important Steps to Get Ready
In some cases, a distressed or angry spouse may react to the news that you want a divorce by creating difficulties, sometimes by interfering with your ability to navigate the financial aspects of the divorce. Before asking your spouse for divorce, it helps to prepare by gathering relevant financial documents such as proof of your income, bank statements, retirement and investment statements, and current statements from credit cards and other debts. It’s also wise to change your passwords for private accounts like your email and social media.
Finally, spend some time choosing the right divorce attorney for your case. Having a lawyer lined up and ready to represent your best interests provides an important safety net if your spouse becomes disruptive, presents legal challenges, or—worse—threatens violence or tries to intimidate you.
Preparing for the Important Talk
If you and your spouse have tried to reconcile, undergone counseling, and spent time working on your problems to no avail, it’s likely that one or both of you have reached the realization that divorce is the best way forward and the only path toward happiness and self-preservation. Living in an unhappy marriage can be soul-draining and causes depression, anxiety, and loneliness. It’s also an emotionally unhealthy environment for children.
If you’re ready to approach the subject of divorce, it helps to get ready you begin. Some helpful tips to prepare for this conversation include the following:
- Write down important points in the order in which you’d like to present them and then memorize them so you’re mind won’t go blank during the strain of the conversation
- Predict your spouse’s likely counterpoints and think of simple, key responses to each ahead of time
- Make arrangements for a place to go and potentially stay overnight in case your spouse reacts badly, you feel threatened, or simply to give your spouse space to digest what you’ve said
- Open a separate bank account and deposit an amount that’s no more than half of what was in a joint account so you’ll have sole access to funds in case your spouse tries to block access to funds
- Finally, it’s important to have privacy for this conversation. Don’t broach the subject while your children are at home. Arrange to talk while they are at school or with friends or family
Once you’re fully prepared for this important conversation, remember that your spouse probably isn’t as prepared as you, and may feel attacked. If you keep a calm demeanor and focus on the fact that you believe divorce is the best path to your spouse’s happiness as well as your own it can help diffuse a potentially volatile situation.
Important Tips for Handling the Talk When Asking for a Divorce
Asking for a divorce is never easy, especially if it’s coming out of left field for an unprepared spouse. The following tips can help both spouses get through one of the most difficult conversations of a lifetime:
- Stay calm and matter-of-fact, even if your spouse becomes angry or despondent. Resist returning angry comments or escalating your spouse’s negative emotions by stating your points confidently to show that you’ve put a lot of thought into them and are not acting on a whim
- Keep your statements and explanations about yourself and your own feelings rather than about your spouse’s faults and failings so they don’t feel attacked or accused. For example, you could say, “I need to become more independent” rather than “You don’t let me do anything for myself,” or “I’m feeling lonely even when we’re together,” rather than “You don’t pay enough attention to me.”
- Avoid bringing up past misdeeds or rehashing old grudges and instead, focus on the future and how this divorce could benefit your spouse’s emotional health as well as your own
- Talk about minimizing potential negative impacts on the children by pointing out that a divorce could help them live in a more peaceful and secure home environment compared to living with unhappy, fighting parents
- Own up to your own faults in the marriage so your spouse doesn’t feel like you are placing all of the blame on them
- Let your spouse vent their feelings and resist responding to their points so the talk doesn’t become an angry argument or a rehashing of each party’s faults and failings. Instead, nod your head and help them to feel heard
- Don’t begin talking about the next step. Instead, leave the conversation to settle and give your spouse time to accept that divorce is inevitable before talking about the legalities ahead
Once you’ve made this important first step, it’s time to begin working toward your goals behind the scenes by finding alternative living arrangements and hiring an attorney with excellent reviews and a strong reputation of success to represent your best interests.
Since you were the spouse who asked for a divorce, you are the most likely candidate for petitioner in the process, meaning you’ll fill out a petition for divorce and your spouse becomes the respondent. Alternatively, if your spouse agrees with your decision to end the marriage amicably you could file together as co-petitioners.
Preparing Your Children Before You Ask for a Divorce
Whether a divorce is distressing for you or you feel excited about taking a step away from a bad situation and into a more hopeful future, a divorce is rarely good news for children. Children almost always see a divorce as the end of life as they know it. Their home environment and everything they’ve known for a lifetime is about to change. Before you ask for a divorce, there are ways to prepare your children for the coming upset.
- First, do not tell your children before you ask your spouse for the divorce, and work on a plan to talk to your children together
- Hold back on telling your children until your spouse has come to terms with the fact that the divorce is going to happen and you have a workable plan for where each spouse plans to live and how you plan to share custody. This ensures that children don’t feel unsafe or unsettled because you have a strategy ahead for their care
- Once you and your spouse have come to terms with the divorce and have a plan in place, decide when, where, and how to tell the children together
- No matter how adversarial your feelings are toward your spouse or theirs for you, it’s essential to present a united front to your children and avoid saying anything negative about each other
- Never put your children in the middle and ensure that they do not feel that they are in any way to blame for the divorce
Finally, it’s essential for a child’s well-being to feel that you are still a family and will remain united as parents even from separate households. Unfortunately, some divorces become adversarial or contested, making it difficult or impossible to have a settled custody plan before speaking to your children. In that case, it’s best to tell the children that you and the other parent are working on coming up with the best possible plan for their continued care and comfort.
How to Ask for a Divorce if You Don’t Feel Safe
Leaving a physically or emotionally abusive spouse is entirely different than asking for a divorce from a spouse that you know will not respond with violence. Abusive behavior is likely to escalate when you ask for a divorce.
In this case, there may be no good way to prepare for the conversation since you can be certain it will not go well. Instead of asking for a divorce in person, it’s best to speak to a Denver divorce lawyer with experience with domestic abuse situations so you have a safety net in place while an impartial process server hands the divorce petition to your spouse.
Focusing On a Better Future While Asking for a Divorce
No matter how completely you prepare for this difficult conversation, you may not be able to fully predict how it will go. Your spouse may react with anger or tears or could respond that they’ve also come to this conclusion on their own and weren’t sure how to broach the subject with you.
Focusing on making the divorce a positive move toward a happier, more fulfilling future for both of you as well as for your children, rather than making it about bitterness and past grudges, can minimize the chances of a contentious battle and increase the likelihood of peaceful resolutions and a future of open communication. At Ciancio Ciancio Brown, P.C., we want you to have the best possible outcome on your case. Call us today.